A few days ago my pain level was 10+. No more Ibuprofen and no other pharmaceutical help. I could not sleep, the joint pain was unbearable and the pain in my legs from the effects of swelling was excruciating. We got the drugs and we got a recliner. One night of reprieve. Then it actually got worse.
For several days I could not rest and was in severe pain. I was at my wits end. My wife was at her wits end trying to find some relief for me. Then without my knowledge, she sent out a prayer request to several good friends.
Yesterday and today have been remarkably different.While I am not pain free, the pain level is usually about a 3 or 4. What a difference!
Most of my life has been spent praying for others. I have also always had people praying for me. There have been several specific times of answered prayer. This is the latest. And I thank God for his goodness and grace and I thank those who have prayed.
Alfred Loyd Tennyson wrote: "More things are wrought by prayer than this world dreams of." Yes, and Jesus said, "You have not because you ask not." Answered prayer, one of the many blessings of being a disciple of Jesus. "Thank you, Lord!"
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
A Good Night
Sometimes I use this forum to vent my pain and frustration. Since it is my blog, I guess that is OK. Anyway, I am not normally a negative person. I have always been optimistic. When confronted with a problem my natural inclination is to look for a solution rather than waste a lot of time bemoaning the problem.
So, in an attempt to be more true to my nature I want simply to say, "I had a good night!" That means I slept in my NEW recliner for over 4 hours and then slept another 3 hours in my old chair. That may not seem like much to "normal" people, but given my recent experience, this was an exceptional night.
Confession: 2 Lortab and 2 Ambian. Regrets? Absolutely none.
For the first 45 years of my life, sleep was normal. While I never required many hours of sleep, I did at least sleep through the night and awakened refreshed and ready for a new day and a new opportunity. Then my (our) life changed forever. Our son was killed.
I did not sleep at all that night. I have not slept normally since. I might sleep an hour, stay awake three or four hours and then sleep another hour or two. Some nights I did not sleep at all. Many nights I would sit up on the side of the bed and nap until my neck would break, figuratively. Usually, I would just give up and go in the den and read or watch TV. It was during these years that I realized I did not need Premium Cable Channels. I would be watch something on Cinemax, fall alseep, and wake up staring at porn. I discovered why our son called Cinemax, Skinemax. So we canceled those channels.
Even during all these years I managed to get some sleep. But for the last 6 months, sleep has been an even more illusive target. My Pulmonologist says I do not have sleep apnea, the suspected culprit for everyone who learned of my difficully sleeping. Apparently, fat folks have a high rate of sleep apnea, and since I am fat... simple diagnosis from prejudiced perspective. But that is another issue.
Now, back to last night. Slept. Thank the Lord, drugs and my good wife for finding the recliner.
So, in an attempt to be more true to my nature I want simply to say, "I had a good night!" That means I slept in my NEW recliner for over 4 hours and then slept another 3 hours in my old chair. That may not seem like much to "normal" people, but given my recent experience, this was an exceptional night.
Confession: 2 Lortab and 2 Ambian. Regrets? Absolutely none.
For the first 45 years of my life, sleep was normal. While I never required many hours of sleep, I did at least sleep through the night and awakened refreshed and ready for a new day and a new opportunity. Then my (our) life changed forever. Our son was killed.
I did not sleep at all that night. I have not slept normally since. I might sleep an hour, stay awake three or four hours and then sleep another hour or two. Some nights I did not sleep at all. Many nights I would sit up on the side of the bed and nap until my neck would break, figuratively. Usually, I would just give up and go in the den and read or watch TV. It was during these years that I realized I did not need Premium Cable Channels. I would be watch something on Cinemax, fall alseep, and wake up staring at porn. I discovered why our son called Cinemax, Skinemax. So we canceled those channels.
Even during all these years I managed to get some sleep. But for the last 6 months, sleep has been an even more illusive target. My Pulmonologist says I do not have sleep apnea, the suspected culprit for everyone who learned of my difficully sleeping. Apparently, fat folks have a high rate of sleep apnea, and since I am fat... simple diagnosis from prejudiced perspective. But that is another issue.
Now, back to last night. Slept. Thank the Lord, drugs and my good wife for finding the recliner.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
The Life of a Druggie
Yesterday I called the surgeon's nurse to see if they would approve giving me some Vicatin as recommended to me by my Insurance Nurse. Of course, I had to wait to hear. Finally, about 1pm she called me back and told me Vicatin would be fine and have my Internist write me a prescription. I asked if the surgeon couldn't do that since it was Friday afternoon. "Nope."
I called the Internist's office. Of course, I could not speak with his nurse, but had to leave a message. At 4:45 on a Friday afternoon, I still had no return call. So I called again. After another 1/2 hour I got the nicest call from his nurse telling me he had approved it and she had called it in to our pharmacist. She said to wait about a hour and check.
So we waited the prescribed time and then called. "No, we have not received anything." Of course, by now the Doctor's office is closed. So my loving wife called the pharmacy about an hour later and they did receive the prescription. By that time, I had already had to take some Ibuprophen. So we waited until this morning and she retrieved the drugs.
I was able to hold off on taking anything until 3:30. Then I took one Lortab (I have no idea who decided to switch or it this is just a matter of different names for the same thing). Actually, what I got was generic for Lortab, Hydrocodone APAP, 5-500mg. I can take one or two every 4 to 6 hours.
Now here is the interesting thing. 17 days remaining. If I took the maximum dosage prescribed every four hours, that would be 24 pills per day. The prescription is for 30 and no refills. So I guess I will carefully ration them and try to make them last until June 10. Then I get the heavy duty drugs!
Anyway, folks are very encouraging and supportive. I believe there is light at the end of the tunnel, even if it is the proverbial train! So, 17 and counting...
By the way, as I write this our son has just compeleted his school for a License to Minister. He will ber appointed to serve his first church in June. God is good!
I called the Internist's office. Of course, I could not speak with his nurse, but had to leave a message. At 4:45 on a Friday afternoon, I still had no return call. So I called again. After another 1/2 hour I got the nicest call from his nurse telling me he had approved it and she had called it in to our pharmacist. She said to wait about a hour and check.
So we waited the prescribed time and then called. "No, we have not received anything." Of course, by now the Doctor's office is closed. So my loving wife called the pharmacy about an hour later and they did receive the prescription. By that time, I had already had to take some Ibuprophen. So we waited until this morning and she retrieved the drugs.
I was able to hold off on taking anything until 3:30. Then I took one Lortab (I have no idea who decided to switch or it this is just a matter of different names for the same thing). Actually, what I got was generic for Lortab, Hydrocodone APAP, 5-500mg. I can take one or two every 4 to 6 hours.
Now here is the interesting thing. 17 days remaining. If I took the maximum dosage prescribed every four hours, that would be 24 pills per day. The prescription is for 30 and no refills. So I guess I will carefully ration them and try to make them last until June 10. Then I get the heavy duty drugs!
Anyway, folks are very encouraging and supportive. I believe there is light at the end of the tunnel, even if it is the proverbial train! So, 17 and counting...
By the way, as I write this our son has just compeleted his school for a License to Minister. He will ber appointed to serve his first church in June. God is good!
Friday, May 22, 2009
Two Steps Forward, One Step Back
Yesterday, I posted about the wonder chair and the 6 hours I slept in it. Celebration. However, I have also had to cease taking Ibuprofen in preparation for surgery and will not be able to take it following surgery. I also have some lesions on the back of my calves as a result of all the swelling due to not being able to elevate my feet. Those had about gone away.
Skip to yesterday afternoon. I decided to try the recliner again. With no Ibuprofen, I was aching pretty badly. What I did not realize was having my calves on the recliner opened the healed lesions. PAIN!!! I toughed it our for almost 3 hours, then had to get up and return to my old chair. However, the calves were on fire and the joint pain absent the medication was intolerable.
I spent the next 4 hours in absolute misery. I considered going to the hospital, the pain was so severe. However, I needed a shower and at that point that was impossible. So I succumbed to Pure Grain Alcohol. Not really! But I thought about it. Instead, I found one pain pill left from surgery several months ago, I had taken Extra Strength Tylenol (useless) So I finally broke down and took 4 Ibuprofen. On top of that I took 2 Ambian (one is the normal dosage).
I have never abused legal or illegal drugs. In fact, until recently I seldom took even an aspirin or Ibuprofen. However, I have discovered when the pain gets beyond endurance, I will give in and do something that may not be smart, but offers relief.
I soon went to sleep. I slept straight through the night (except for a couple of bathroom breaks) and woke up this morning ready to do some work and with a much more positive attitude. I also called the doctor's (surgeon) office to see what they can prescribe for this joint pain. My Insurance nurse had recommended Vicadin. I am waiting on a return call from his nurse. I have to find something in lieu of Ibuprophen.
Today, I have hope and actually think I may survive this. Late yesterday afternoon I was not so sure and even not sure I wanted to. Pain is diabolical.
Most people diagnose overeating as medicating pain. Maybe it is. I just have never been able to identify the source of the pain. I have spoken with several psychologists, psychiatrists, pastoral counselors, nutritionists, 12-Step professionals, medical specialists, and friends and I still am not able to diagnose the reason for my obesity based on identifying the pain.
However, I know the source of the pain yesterday. Arthritis! I want drugs! Maybe I do have a problem with over-medicating? If I do, send the drugs!
Skip to yesterday afternoon. I decided to try the recliner again. With no Ibuprofen, I was aching pretty badly. What I did not realize was having my calves on the recliner opened the healed lesions. PAIN!!! I toughed it our for almost 3 hours, then had to get up and return to my old chair. However, the calves were on fire and the joint pain absent the medication was intolerable.
I spent the next 4 hours in absolute misery. I considered going to the hospital, the pain was so severe. However, I needed a shower and at that point that was impossible. So I succumbed to Pure Grain Alcohol. Not really! But I thought about it. Instead, I found one pain pill left from surgery several months ago, I had taken Extra Strength Tylenol (useless) So I finally broke down and took 4 Ibuprofen. On top of that I took 2 Ambian (one is the normal dosage).
I have never abused legal or illegal drugs. In fact, until recently I seldom took even an aspirin or Ibuprofen. However, I have discovered when the pain gets beyond endurance, I will give in and do something that may not be smart, but offers relief.
I soon went to sleep. I slept straight through the night (except for a couple of bathroom breaks) and woke up this morning ready to do some work and with a much more positive attitude. I also called the doctor's (surgeon) office to see what they can prescribe for this joint pain. My Insurance nurse had recommended Vicadin. I am waiting on a return call from his nurse. I have to find something in lieu of Ibuprophen.
Today, I have hope and actually think I may survive this. Late yesterday afternoon I was not so sure and even not sure I wanted to. Pain is diabolical.
Most people diagnose overeating as medicating pain. Maybe it is. I just have never been able to identify the source of the pain. I have spoken with several psychologists, psychiatrists, pastoral counselors, nutritionists, 12-Step professionals, medical specialists, and friends and I still am not able to diagnose the reason for my obesity based on identifying the pain.
However, I know the source of the pain yesterday. Arthritis! I want drugs! Maybe I do have a problem with over-medicating? If I do, send the drugs!
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Celebrate!
My loving wife kept trying and finally found a recliner that works! I actually slept for 6 hours last night. More importantly, my feet were elevated for 6 hours, the first time I have been able to elevate them in 8 months. What a blessing. This was the third chair and a hospital bed tried in this search. She did not give up. I am blessed.
Now, excuse me while I take a nap.
Now, excuse me while I take a nap.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Waiting...
Well, its been a slow time around here. I did go to the hospital last week for an ultrasound on my legs to check for trombones, or was it Thrombosis? Anyway, neither were found. I understand this is a good thing.
Actually the Surgeon had sent me to a Vascular Surgeon who will be in the operating room. As soon as I am "under" he will install a screen or filter in my carotid artery or jugular vein (I can't remember which). This is a precaution just in case a blood clot were to form or break loose during or soon after surgery. There is no indication that will be a problem, but the precaution is wise. A surgeon friend was pleased they would be doing this. Anyway, the Vascular Surgeon wanted the ultrasound as a baseline for his work in surgery.
This week I talked with the registration nurse at the Hospital. This is to handle all the pre-registration stuff so when I go in on June 10 all we have to do is sign some forms. She also questioned me as to readiness for surgery. She seemed most pleased with my current state. She did tell me to take no more Ibuprophen. It acts as a bloodthinner. Apparently, having thin blood is not good during surgery.
I have nothing else I can take for arthritis pain control, so I am already in some severe pain. I will call the surgeon today to see if there is anything other than Tylenol. It is of absolutely no value.
Today we take delivery of a new recliner. This will be the third one we have tried to provide me with some relief and to elevate my feet. We also tried a hospital bed. Nothing has worked so far. I am confined to my big leather chair and am unable to lean back or elevate my feet. I sincerely hope this will work. My "sitter" is about worn out after being in this chair 24/7 for the last 8 months.
I have also investigated both an excercise pool and a recumbant bike. I will need to do some serious excercise after this surgery. The excercise pool has the following obstacles to overcome: 1) The pool will cost about $25,000. 2) It has to be indoors which means I will have construct a space for another $25,000-$50,000. 3) I have not yet figured out how to get into and out of the pool while I am still immobile.
The recumbant bike simply is not on the market for me. I have done extensive internet research and have been unsuccessful finding the right product. I have to have a "walk-through" or "pass through" model with a swivel seat. Nothing yet.
Since I am trying to be totally honest on this blog, I need to say I am dealing with some mild depression for the first time in my life, other than for a brief time following the death of a child. I realized it last night when I was awake again in the middle of the night, unable to sleep and in some real pain. Before I knew it, my random free thinking had me working out taking an OD of sleeping pills and wondering if I could wait until Friday night since our son is returning from an out of town trip on Saturday.
Fortunately, as soon as I realized I had actually thought this, I "shook" myself back to conciousness. I have dealt with many suicides in 37 years of ministry. It is the most selfish thing a person could do and totally contrary to the Gospel. I would not do that. However, the fact that I thought of it in a semi-conciuous state shook me to be fully awake. This depression is something I must be aware of and guard against before surgery and especially afterward. It is also something I need to be unashamed to admit if and when it raises its head again.
What do I have to look forward to? I fully expect to loose 200-250lbs over the next 12 months. I expect some vastly increased mobility. I expect being able to travel back to our seminary in Venezuela. I expect to be able to go to family gatherings. Most of all, I want to go back to church! I want to sing in an ensemble or a choir. I want to be able to teach and preach again. That has been my life for 37 years and I am not ready to completely leave it behind.
Now my fiirst goal is to be able to go to the bathroom by myself! TMI? Sorry. Welcome to my world.
Actually the Surgeon had sent me to a Vascular Surgeon who will be in the operating room. As soon as I am "under" he will install a screen or filter in my carotid artery or jugular vein (I can't remember which). This is a precaution just in case a blood clot were to form or break loose during or soon after surgery. There is no indication that will be a problem, but the precaution is wise. A surgeon friend was pleased they would be doing this. Anyway, the Vascular Surgeon wanted the ultrasound as a baseline for his work in surgery.
This week I talked with the registration nurse at the Hospital. This is to handle all the pre-registration stuff so when I go in on June 10 all we have to do is sign some forms. She also questioned me as to readiness for surgery. She seemed most pleased with my current state. She did tell me to take no more Ibuprophen. It acts as a bloodthinner. Apparently, having thin blood is not good during surgery.
I have nothing else I can take for arthritis pain control, so I am already in some severe pain. I will call the surgeon today to see if there is anything other than Tylenol. It is of absolutely no value.
Today we take delivery of a new recliner. This will be the third one we have tried to provide me with some relief and to elevate my feet. We also tried a hospital bed. Nothing has worked so far. I am confined to my big leather chair and am unable to lean back or elevate my feet. I sincerely hope this will work. My "sitter" is about worn out after being in this chair 24/7 for the last 8 months.
I have also investigated both an excercise pool and a recumbant bike. I will need to do some serious excercise after this surgery. The excercise pool has the following obstacles to overcome: 1) The pool will cost about $25,000. 2) It has to be indoors which means I will have construct a space for another $25,000-$50,000. 3) I have not yet figured out how to get into and out of the pool while I am still immobile.
The recumbant bike simply is not on the market for me. I have done extensive internet research and have been unsuccessful finding the right product. I have to have a "walk-through" or "pass through" model with a swivel seat. Nothing yet.
Since I am trying to be totally honest on this blog, I need to say I am dealing with some mild depression for the first time in my life, other than for a brief time following the death of a child. I realized it last night when I was awake again in the middle of the night, unable to sleep and in some real pain. Before I knew it, my random free thinking had me working out taking an OD of sleeping pills and wondering if I could wait until Friday night since our son is returning from an out of town trip on Saturday.
Fortunately, as soon as I realized I had actually thought this, I "shook" myself back to conciousness. I have dealt with many suicides in 37 years of ministry. It is the most selfish thing a person could do and totally contrary to the Gospel. I would not do that. However, the fact that I thought of it in a semi-conciuous state shook me to be fully awake. This depression is something I must be aware of and guard against before surgery and especially afterward. It is also something I need to be unashamed to admit if and when it raises its head again.
What do I have to look forward to? I fully expect to loose 200-250lbs over the next 12 months. I expect some vastly increased mobility. I expect being able to travel back to our seminary in Venezuela. I expect to be able to go to family gatherings. Most of all, I want to go back to church! I want to sing in an ensemble or a choir. I want to be able to teach and preach again. That has been my life for 37 years and I am not ready to completely leave it behind.
Now my fiirst goal is to be able to go to the bathroom by myself! TMI? Sorry. Welcome to my world.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Vascular Surgeon and Eternity
Yesterday I visited a Vascular Surgeon who will place a stint in my neck while I am on the Operating Table. The intent is to prevent a blood clot moving to my heart or lungs during surgery.
Next week I go to the hospital to have an ultra sound done on my lower legs to provide a baseline for the doctors to examine before and after surgery. All of this is as precaution to limit the possibility of complications during or following surgery. I appreciate their caution and prevention.
I also know there is a "moderate" chance of serious complications including death. I also face the possibility of a debilitating stroke. I face the possibility of getting phlebitis. There are many other lessor risks. However, I am sure I am doing the right thing. I must either get better or face unacceptable consequences.
I should have done this two or three years ago at least. I had two reasons: 1) I did not have time. I was too busy. 2) I was afraid and not desperate enough to face the fear.
Now I feel I have no choice. I either face the fear or or die. I may still die. However, I am not promised tomorrow. I know that. I will choose to trust God. I will choose to face this with the confidence of one who has been saved by grace. I will choose to face this as a child of the King. I will choose to face this as one who has been to the darkest place in life and was brought out by the Eternal Light. I will choose to face this whether I live or whether I die, my life is in the hands of Jesus, the nail-scarred hands. I will live. Probably for a little longer here. If not, then sooner or later, there where there is no more crying, no more suffering, no more pain, where the Tree of Life is in eternal bloom.
Next week I go to the hospital to have an ultra sound done on my lower legs to provide a baseline for the doctors to examine before and after surgery. All of this is as precaution to limit the possibility of complications during or following surgery. I appreciate their caution and prevention.
I also know there is a "moderate" chance of serious complications including death. I also face the possibility of a debilitating stroke. I face the possibility of getting phlebitis. There are many other lessor risks. However, I am sure I am doing the right thing. I must either get better or face unacceptable consequences.
I should have done this two or three years ago at least. I had two reasons: 1) I did not have time. I was too busy. 2) I was afraid and not desperate enough to face the fear.
Now I feel I have no choice. I either face the fear or or die. I may still die. However, I am not promised tomorrow. I know that. I will choose to trust God. I will choose to face this with the confidence of one who has been saved by grace. I will choose to face this as a child of the King. I will choose to face this as one who has been to the darkest place in life and was brought out by the Eternal Light. I will choose to face this whether I live or whether I die, my life is in the hands of Jesus, the nail-scarred hands. I will live. Probably for a little longer here. If not, then sooner or later, there where there is no more crying, no more suffering, no more pain, where the Tree of Life is in eternal bloom.
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