Limbo

I feel like I am in limbo. I want to have the surgery, I need to have the surgery, but now i just wait...and patience has never been a strength. I have three doctors' appointments next week. Then another on April 1. Then, if OK, another appointment with the surgeon followed by insurance approval. Then hopefully I can have the surgery. But now I wait.

While I am waiting I am learning to drink water. I have never consumed enough water. This surgery requires the consumption of at least a gallon a day. In the past I would typically have coffee in the morning. 16 ounces of lemonade or tea for lunch and another 16 ounces at dinner. I rarely drank between meals. Now I am working on 128 ounces a day. Yesterday I exceeded 128oz. The day before I consumed about 100oz. The day before that, 128+oz. So progress is being made. But it is slow.

Now the doctor wants me to go on the South Beach diet prior to surgery. This requires additional food preparation time by my wife. She is overwhelmed with responsibilities at this time. I am struggling with asking her for more. However, I desperately need to get on with the diet. So my goal is to start that tomorrow (today's menus are already planned). I had cheese toast for breakfast, will have canned soup for lunch and she is bringing home Mexican food for dinner after picking up friends from the airport. So tomorrow I hope to get a better diet. I also recognize how easy it is to blame her and not take personal responsibility. Perhaps "blame" is not the right word. That seems to be too incriminating. The point is, I am responsible for my own food. I cannot blame others as an excuse. So, I will wait until tomorrow to do South Beach.

So we wait...and hope. I watched a couple of TV shows on Discovery health about people who have had this or similar surgery. Two were almost twice as heavy as I am. Two were not as heavy. The surgical successes and lifestyle changes were very encouraging. I honestly believe that I could be half the man I am today in less than two years. I will be 60 then either way, so I might as well go ahead and be 60 and 250 rather than 60 at 600 or dead. Of course, I may be dead anyway. But as I learned as a child, it is better to die trying than to just give up.

I am also working on my faith in this journey. The truth is sometimes I let my self perception overwhelm my awareness of God's perception of me. This can be either in the form of self-deception and denial of personal responsibility. It can also be deceptive in believing the lie of the enemy and not embrace God's unconditional love and acceptance of my through the grace of Jesus. So I still need to grow, remembering i am not my own, but am bought with a price. Thank God the price has been paid for me!