Yesterday I had a 12:30 appointment with the doctor and a 2:30 appointment with the hospital for the anesthesiologist, the Bariatric nurse, and others. We had to wait for the doctor and only got in to see him after 2:00. He was very encouraging and explicit. I trust him. He said the surgery may take as long as 4 hours. Later the Bariatric nurse said to allow 5 hours. Had to pay $4,000 yesterday.
Then we were sent to the Hospital check in and they only had ONE person working. The waiting area was full. I was in great pain from sitting on my motorized cart. It gets me where I need to go but is almost unbearably uncomfortable for more than an hour at a time. My pain level was over 10! We waited an hour there before moving to the next waiting place.
We then spent a lot of time with the Bariatric nurse and a nurse who will be caring for me. Another nurse came in and drew blood and checked vitals - the 4th time in the last 3 days. Good news: all is well.
Today I am on a liquid diet and will take an antibiotic presription which will result in cleaning out my system (read laxative).
Tomorow we will be at Northside Hospital, Atlanta at 5:30 am. The Vascular Surgeon will install a screen in my neck as a precaution against embollisms. Then the surgeon will laproscopically go into my abdomen and redesign my gut, creating a smaller pouch (stomach) and a smaller area of absorption of calories. I will then to to intensive care for the next 18 hours (after 2 hours in recover) and then to a room.
Only liquids for a month after surgery,.
Then only 2 oz. of food (mostly protien) 3 times a day, 3 protein shakes every day, 64 oz. of total daily fluid intake, daily chewable multible vitimin (Flintstone), daily Calcium supplement, daily chewable tums, and a monthly B12 injection for the rest of my life. No sugars, no carbs - ever.
What is the reward? First it is for this body to be 1/2 this size in about 12-18 months. Second, new knees at 300lbs. Third, greatly increased mobility and overall health. Very importantly, more good years with the most wonderful wife in the world, our most wonderful son and daughter in law and the only perfect grandchild in the universe. Finally, I do not think the Lord is through with me yet. I have a big responsibility for the Seminary in Venezuela. I still need to preach, write and teach.
So the surgery promises these possiblities. I am very aware of the risks and am at peace with that. I know I could die on the table, or have a crippling stroke or any number of unpleasant things could happen. My trust is in Jesus. I will either live in Jesus or die in Jesus, in which case I will live in Jesus. Not a bad deal, it you really think about it!
I appreciate you prayers.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Wound Care
I have a wound care home nursing specialist coming to my house this morning at 9:00. It has only taken a week to get this done. Dealing with the medical community is so frustrating in America. However, I have been to several other countries and our system is so much better! I will take the aggravation in exchange for good care.
Anyway, I have chronic lymphedema with open wounds. What this means is my lower legs are swollen due to the fact that I cannot elevate my feet as a result of orthpedic and joint pain. So I sit up all the time. The swelling gets so bad the skin breaks down and "leaks." Fortuately, I have no inflections, just some open places that drain. The home health care nurse came for the first time on Monday and sprayed the wounds with saline solution and blotted them to clean them. She then said she did not know what to do and I needed the wound care nurse. There followed a comedy of errors by the company, but supposedly that nurse is coming today. Fortunately, my primary nurse (translated: wife) had already started using the saline and blotting just like the visiting nurse. So we are making progress.
Anyway, this is one of those things they say will clear up when I can get my legs elevated. I am fortunate that the circulation in my feet and legs is very good. That is a very good thing and promises rapid healing.
We are now counting downs the days of the last week in preparation for surgery. Monday we will visit the surgeon and the anesthesiologist in preparation for surgery. Tuesday I will cut my hair very short, completely shave my beard for the first time in 9 years and shave my chest for the first time ever! Wednesday morning, June 10 about 6 or 7 am we will check in and have surgery at 9, God willing. Bring it on!
In the meantime, I am most grateful for all the folks who are praying for me. It has been overwhelming to hear from so many people. I am blessed.
Anyway, I have chronic lymphedema with open wounds. What this means is my lower legs are swollen due to the fact that I cannot elevate my feet as a result of orthpedic and joint pain. So I sit up all the time. The swelling gets so bad the skin breaks down and "leaks." Fortuately, I have no inflections, just some open places that drain. The home health care nurse came for the first time on Monday and sprayed the wounds with saline solution and blotted them to clean them. She then said she did not know what to do and I needed the wound care nurse. There followed a comedy of errors by the company, but supposedly that nurse is coming today. Fortunately, my primary nurse (translated: wife) had already started using the saline and blotting just like the visiting nurse. So we are making progress.
Anyway, this is one of those things they say will clear up when I can get my legs elevated. I am fortunate that the circulation in my feet and legs is very good. That is a very good thing and promises rapid healing.
We are now counting downs the days of the last week in preparation for surgery. Monday we will visit the surgeon and the anesthesiologist in preparation for surgery. Tuesday I will cut my hair very short, completely shave my beard for the first time in 9 years and shave my chest for the first time ever! Wednesday morning, June 10 about 6 or 7 am we will check in and have surgery at 9, God willing. Bring it on!
In the meantime, I am most grateful for all the folks who are praying for me. It has been overwhelming to hear from so many people. I am blessed.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Blessed!
Blessed! That is the best way I can describe my life at this moment. Sure, there is still the inability to walk, the pain and the sense of uselessness. There are still some times of mild depression and blue periods of self pity.
However, I am so blessed. First of all, I am blessed with a wife, child and his family, his in-laws, my mother who genuinely care for me. I am especially blessed with a wife who devotes her life to caring for me.
I am also blessed with an overwhelming number of friends, colleagues and soul-mates who regularly call or write or visit and inquire of my condition and assure me of their prayers. Some call from out of state. Some visit from out of state. Some inquire from Venezuela. Everyone of them is praying for my surgery on June 10 at Northside Hospital in Atlanta.
So I am blessed. However, this weekend I sensed a new blessing in the presence of the Holy Spirit in my life. There is a tenderness of soul that is indicative in my life that God is working on me. It seems there will be some spiritual surgery to go along with the physical surgery.
In about a week I will voluntarily lay my life on a table before a man with a knife and tools beyond my comprehension. He will (I hope!) do all he can to improve and enhance my life. But to do that, he will actually injure me, cut on me and do other things that I do not want to contemplate.
In preparation for that surgery I am aware of the Great Physician doing his pre-surgery getting me ready for that day. I trust him completely and know he only wants what is for my good.
I do not know what the physical outcome of the surgery will be on June 10. However, I know in that surgical suite will be a number of doctors, but none more powerful and more competent and more loving than the Great Physician. His name is Jesus, Messiah, Lamb of God, Alpha and Omega, the great I Am, Savior, Lord, Prince of Peace...
Blessed.
However, I am so blessed. First of all, I am blessed with a wife, child and his family, his in-laws, my mother who genuinely care for me. I am especially blessed with a wife who devotes her life to caring for me.
I am also blessed with an overwhelming number of friends, colleagues and soul-mates who regularly call or write or visit and inquire of my condition and assure me of their prayers. Some call from out of state. Some visit from out of state. Some inquire from Venezuela. Everyone of them is praying for my surgery on June 10 at Northside Hospital in Atlanta.
So I am blessed. However, this weekend I sensed a new blessing in the presence of the Holy Spirit in my life. There is a tenderness of soul that is indicative in my life that God is working on me. It seems there will be some spiritual surgery to go along with the physical surgery.
In about a week I will voluntarily lay my life on a table before a man with a knife and tools beyond my comprehension. He will (I hope!) do all he can to improve and enhance my life. But to do that, he will actually injure me, cut on me and do other things that I do not want to contemplate.
In preparation for that surgery I am aware of the Great Physician doing his pre-surgery getting me ready for that day. I trust him completely and know he only wants what is for my good.
I do not know what the physical outcome of the surgery will be on June 10. However, I know in that surgical suite will be a number of doctors, but none more powerful and more competent and more loving than the Great Physician. His name is Jesus, Messiah, Lamb of God, Alpha and Omega, the great I Am, Savior, Lord, Prince of Peace...
Blessed.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Answered Prayer
A few days ago my pain level was 10+. No more Ibuprofen and no other pharmaceutical help. I could not sleep, the joint pain was unbearable and the pain in my legs from the effects of swelling was excruciating. We got the drugs and we got a recliner. One night of reprieve. Then it actually got worse.
For several days I could not rest and was in severe pain. I was at my wits end. My wife was at her wits end trying to find some relief for me. Then without my knowledge, she sent out a prayer request to several good friends.
Yesterday and today have been remarkably different.While I am not pain free, the pain level is usually about a 3 or 4. What a difference!
Most of my life has been spent praying for others. I have also always had people praying for me. There have been several specific times of answered prayer. This is the latest. And I thank God for his goodness and grace and I thank those who have prayed.
Alfred Loyd Tennyson wrote: "More things are wrought by prayer than this world dreams of." Yes, and Jesus said, "You have not because you ask not." Answered prayer, one of the many blessings of being a disciple of Jesus. "Thank you, Lord!"
For several days I could not rest and was in severe pain. I was at my wits end. My wife was at her wits end trying to find some relief for me. Then without my knowledge, she sent out a prayer request to several good friends.
Yesterday and today have been remarkably different.While I am not pain free, the pain level is usually about a 3 or 4. What a difference!
Most of my life has been spent praying for others. I have also always had people praying for me. There have been several specific times of answered prayer. This is the latest. And I thank God for his goodness and grace and I thank those who have prayed.
Alfred Loyd Tennyson wrote: "More things are wrought by prayer than this world dreams of." Yes, and Jesus said, "You have not because you ask not." Answered prayer, one of the many blessings of being a disciple of Jesus. "Thank you, Lord!"
Sunday, May 24, 2009
A Good Night
Sometimes I use this forum to vent my pain and frustration. Since it is my blog, I guess that is OK. Anyway, I am not normally a negative person. I have always been optimistic. When confronted with a problem my natural inclination is to look for a solution rather than waste a lot of time bemoaning the problem.
So, in an attempt to be more true to my nature I want simply to say, "I had a good night!" That means I slept in my NEW recliner for over 4 hours and then slept another 3 hours in my old chair. That may not seem like much to "normal" people, but given my recent experience, this was an exceptional night.
Confession: 2 Lortab and 2 Ambian. Regrets? Absolutely none.
For the first 45 years of my life, sleep was normal. While I never required many hours of sleep, I did at least sleep through the night and awakened refreshed and ready for a new day and a new opportunity. Then my (our) life changed forever. Our son was killed.
I did not sleep at all that night. I have not slept normally since. I might sleep an hour, stay awake three or four hours and then sleep another hour or two. Some nights I did not sleep at all. Many nights I would sit up on the side of the bed and nap until my neck would break, figuratively. Usually, I would just give up and go in the den and read or watch TV. It was during these years that I realized I did not need Premium Cable Channels. I would be watch something on Cinemax, fall alseep, and wake up staring at porn. I discovered why our son called Cinemax, Skinemax. So we canceled those channels.
Even during all these years I managed to get some sleep. But for the last 6 months, sleep has been an even more illusive target. My Pulmonologist says I do not have sleep apnea, the suspected culprit for everyone who learned of my difficully sleeping. Apparently, fat folks have a high rate of sleep apnea, and since I am fat... simple diagnosis from prejudiced perspective. But that is another issue.
Now, back to last night. Slept. Thank the Lord, drugs and my good wife for finding the recliner.
So, in an attempt to be more true to my nature I want simply to say, "I had a good night!" That means I slept in my NEW recliner for over 4 hours and then slept another 3 hours in my old chair. That may not seem like much to "normal" people, but given my recent experience, this was an exceptional night.
Confession: 2 Lortab and 2 Ambian. Regrets? Absolutely none.
For the first 45 years of my life, sleep was normal. While I never required many hours of sleep, I did at least sleep through the night and awakened refreshed and ready for a new day and a new opportunity. Then my (our) life changed forever. Our son was killed.
I did not sleep at all that night. I have not slept normally since. I might sleep an hour, stay awake three or four hours and then sleep another hour or two. Some nights I did not sleep at all. Many nights I would sit up on the side of the bed and nap until my neck would break, figuratively. Usually, I would just give up and go in the den and read or watch TV. It was during these years that I realized I did not need Premium Cable Channels. I would be watch something on Cinemax, fall alseep, and wake up staring at porn. I discovered why our son called Cinemax, Skinemax. So we canceled those channels.
Even during all these years I managed to get some sleep. But for the last 6 months, sleep has been an even more illusive target. My Pulmonologist says I do not have sleep apnea, the suspected culprit for everyone who learned of my difficully sleeping. Apparently, fat folks have a high rate of sleep apnea, and since I am fat... simple diagnosis from prejudiced perspective. But that is another issue.
Now, back to last night. Slept. Thank the Lord, drugs and my good wife for finding the recliner.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
The Life of a Druggie
Yesterday I called the surgeon's nurse to see if they would approve giving me some Vicatin as recommended to me by my Insurance Nurse. Of course, I had to wait to hear. Finally, about 1pm she called me back and told me Vicatin would be fine and have my Internist write me a prescription. I asked if the surgeon couldn't do that since it was Friday afternoon. "Nope."
I called the Internist's office. Of course, I could not speak with his nurse, but had to leave a message. At 4:45 on a Friday afternoon, I still had no return call. So I called again. After another 1/2 hour I got the nicest call from his nurse telling me he had approved it and she had called it in to our pharmacist. She said to wait about a hour and check.
So we waited the prescribed time and then called. "No, we have not received anything." Of course, by now the Doctor's office is closed. So my loving wife called the pharmacy about an hour later and they did receive the prescription. By that time, I had already had to take some Ibuprophen. So we waited until this morning and she retrieved the drugs.
I was able to hold off on taking anything until 3:30. Then I took one Lortab (I have no idea who decided to switch or it this is just a matter of different names for the same thing). Actually, what I got was generic for Lortab, Hydrocodone APAP, 5-500mg. I can take one or two every 4 to 6 hours.
Now here is the interesting thing. 17 days remaining. If I took the maximum dosage prescribed every four hours, that would be 24 pills per day. The prescription is for 30 and no refills. So I guess I will carefully ration them and try to make them last until June 10. Then I get the heavy duty drugs!
Anyway, folks are very encouraging and supportive. I believe there is light at the end of the tunnel, even if it is the proverbial train! So, 17 and counting...
By the way, as I write this our son has just compeleted his school for a License to Minister. He will ber appointed to serve his first church in June. God is good!
I called the Internist's office. Of course, I could not speak with his nurse, but had to leave a message. At 4:45 on a Friday afternoon, I still had no return call. So I called again. After another 1/2 hour I got the nicest call from his nurse telling me he had approved it and she had called it in to our pharmacist. She said to wait about a hour and check.
So we waited the prescribed time and then called. "No, we have not received anything." Of course, by now the Doctor's office is closed. So my loving wife called the pharmacy about an hour later and they did receive the prescription. By that time, I had already had to take some Ibuprophen. So we waited until this morning and she retrieved the drugs.
I was able to hold off on taking anything until 3:30. Then I took one Lortab (I have no idea who decided to switch or it this is just a matter of different names for the same thing). Actually, what I got was generic for Lortab, Hydrocodone APAP, 5-500mg. I can take one or two every 4 to 6 hours.
Now here is the interesting thing. 17 days remaining. If I took the maximum dosage prescribed every four hours, that would be 24 pills per day. The prescription is for 30 and no refills. So I guess I will carefully ration them and try to make them last until June 10. Then I get the heavy duty drugs!
Anyway, folks are very encouraging and supportive. I believe there is light at the end of the tunnel, even if it is the proverbial train! So, 17 and counting...
By the way, as I write this our son has just compeleted his school for a License to Minister. He will ber appointed to serve his first church in June. God is good!
Friday, May 22, 2009
Two Steps Forward, One Step Back
Yesterday, I posted about the wonder chair and the 6 hours I slept in it. Celebration. However, I have also had to cease taking Ibuprofen in preparation for surgery and will not be able to take it following surgery. I also have some lesions on the back of my calves as a result of all the swelling due to not being able to elevate my feet. Those had about gone away.
Skip to yesterday afternoon. I decided to try the recliner again. With no Ibuprofen, I was aching pretty badly. What I did not realize was having my calves on the recliner opened the healed lesions. PAIN!!! I toughed it our for almost 3 hours, then had to get up and return to my old chair. However, the calves were on fire and the joint pain absent the medication was intolerable.
I spent the next 4 hours in absolute misery. I considered going to the hospital, the pain was so severe. However, I needed a shower and at that point that was impossible. So I succumbed to Pure Grain Alcohol. Not really! But I thought about it. Instead, I found one pain pill left from surgery several months ago, I had taken Extra Strength Tylenol (useless) So I finally broke down and took 4 Ibuprofen. On top of that I took 2 Ambian (one is the normal dosage).
I have never abused legal or illegal drugs. In fact, until recently I seldom took even an aspirin or Ibuprofen. However, I have discovered when the pain gets beyond endurance, I will give in and do something that may not be smart, but offers relief.
I soon went to sleep. I slept straight through the night (except for a couple of bathroom breaks) and woke up this morning ready to do some work and with a much more positive attitude. I also called the doctor's (surgeon) office to see what they can prescribe for this joint pain. My Insurance nurse had recommended Vicadin. I am waiting on a return call from his nurse. I have to find something in lieu of Ibuprophen.
Today, I have hope and actually think I may survive this. Late yesterday afternoon I was not so sure and even not sure I wanted to. Pain is diabolical.
Most people diagnose overeating as medicating pain. Maybe it is. I just have never been able to identify the source of the pain. I have spoken with several psychologists, psychiatrists, pastoral counselors, nutritionists, 12-Step professionals, medical specialists, and friends and I still am not able to diagnose the reason for my obesity based on identifying the pain.
However, I know the source of the pain yesterday. Arthritis! I want drugs! Maybe I do have a problem with over-medicating? If I do, send the drugs!
Skip to yesterday afternoon. I decided to try the recliner again. With no Ibuprofen, I was aching pretty badly. What I did not realize was having my calves on the recliner opened the healed lesions. PAIN!!! I toughed it our for almost 3 hours, then had to get up and return to my old chair. However, the calves were on fire and the joint pain absent the medication was intolerable.
I spent the next 4 hours in absolute misery. I considered going to the hospital, the pain was so severe. However, I needed a shower and at that point that was impossible. So I succumbed to Pure Grain Alcohol. Not really! But I thought about it. Instead, I found one pain pill left from surgery several months ago, I had taken Extra Strength Tylenol (useless) So I finally broke down and took 4 Ibuprofen. On top of that I took 2 Ambian (one is the normal dosage).
I have never abused legal or illegal drugs. In fact, until recently I seldom took even an aspirin or Ibuprofen. However, I have discovered when the pain gets beyond endurance, I will give in and do something that may not be smart, but offers relief.
I soon went to sleep. I slept straight through the night (except for a couple of bathroom breaks) and woke up this morning ready to do some work and with a much more positive attitude. I also called the doctor's (surgeon) office to see what they can prescribe for this joint pain. My Insurance nurse had recommended Vicadin. I am waiting on a return call from his nurse. I have to find something in lieu of Ibuprophen.
Today, I have hope and actually think I may survive this. Late yesterday afternoon I was not so sure and even not sure I wanted to. Pain is diabolical.
Most people diagnose overeating as medicating pain. Maybe it is. I just have never been able to identify the source of the pain. I have spoken with several psychologists, psychiatrists, pastoral counselors, nutritionists, 12-Step professionals, medical specialists, and friends and I still am not able to diagnose the reason for my obesity based on identifying the pain.
However, I know the source of the pain yesterday. Arthritis! I want drugs! Maybe I do have a problem with over-medicating? If I do, send the drugs!
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Celebrate!
My loving wife kept trying and finally found a recliner that works! I actually slept for 6 hours last night. More importantly, my feet were elevated for 6 hours, the first time I have been able to elevate them in 8 months. What a blessing. This was the third chair and a hospital bed tried in this search. She did not give up. I am blessed.
Now, excuse me while I take a nap.
Now, excuse me while I take a nap.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Waiting...
Well, its been a slow time around here. I did go to the hospital last week for an ultrasound on my legs to check for trombones, or was it Thrombosis? Anyway, neither were found. I understand this is a good thing.
Actually the Surgeon had sent me to a Vascular Surgeon who will be in the operating room. As soon as I am "under" he will install a screen or filter in my carotid artery or jugular vein (I can't remember which). This is a precaution just in case a blood clot were to form or break loose during or soon after surgery. There is no indication that will be a problem, but the precaution is wise. A surgeon friend was pleased they would be doing this. Anyway, the Vascular Surgeon wanted the ultrasound as a baseline for his work in surgery.
This week I talked with the registration nurse at the Hospital. This is to handle all the pre-registration stuff so when I go in on June 10 all we have to do is sign some forms. She also questioned me as to readiness for surgery. She seemed most pleased with my current state. She did tell me to take no more Ibuprophen. It acts as a bloodthinner. Apparently, having thin blood is not good during surgery.
I have nothing else I can take for arthritis pain control, so I am already in some severe pain. I will call the surgeon today to see if there is anything other than Tylenol. It is of absolutely no value.
Today we take delivery of a new recliner. This will be the third one we have tried to provide me with some relief and to elevate my feet. We also tried a hospital bed. Nothing has worked so far. I am confined to my big leather chair and am unable to lean back or elevate my feet. I sincerely hope this will work. My "sitter" is about worn out after being in this chair 24/7 for the last 8 months.
I have also investigated both an excercise pool and a recumbant bike. I will need to do some serious excercise after this surgery. The excercise pool has the following obstacles to overcome: 1) The pool will cost about $25,000. 2) It has to be indoors which means I will have construct a space for another $25,000-$50,000. 3) I have not yet figured out how to get into and out of the pool while I am still immobile.
The recumbant bike simply is not on the market for me. I have done extensive internet research and have been unsuccessful finding the right product. I have to have a "walk-through" or "pass through" model with a swivel seat. Nothing yet.
Since I am trying to be totally honest on this blog, I need to say I am dealing with some mild depression for the first time in my life, other than for a brief time following the death of a child. I realized it last night when I was awake again in the middle of the night, unable to sleep and in some real pain. Before I knew it, my random free thinking had me working out taking an OD of sleeping pills and wondering if I could wait until Friday night since our son is returning from an out of town trip on Saturday.
Fortunately, as soon as I realized I had actually thought this, I "shook" myself back to conciousness. I have dealt with many suicides in 37 years of ministry. It is the most selfish thing a person could do and totally contrary to the Gospel. I would not do that. However, the fact that I thought of it in a semi-conciuous state shook me to be fully awake. This depression is something I must be aware of and guard against before surgery and especially afterward. It is also something I need to be unashamed to admit if and when it raises its head again.
What do I have to look forward to? I fully expect to loose 200-250lbs over the next 12 months. I expect some vastly increased mobility. I expect being able to travel back to our seminary in Venezuela. I expect to be able to go to family gatherings. Most of all, I want to go back to church! I want to sing in an ensemble or a choir. I want to be able to teach and preach again. That has been my life for 37 years and I am not ready to completely leave it behind.
Now my fiirst goal is to be able to go to the bathroom by myself! TMI? Sorry. Welcome to my world.
Actually the Surgeon had sent me to a Vascular Surgeon who will be in the operating room. As soon as I am "under" he will install a screen or filter in my carotid artery or jugular vein (I can't remember which). This is a precaution just in case a blood clot were to form or break loose during or soon after surgery. There is no indication that will be a problem, but the precaution is wise. A surgeon friend was pleased they would be doing this. Anyway, the Vascular Surgeon wanted the ultrasound as a baseline for his work in surgery.
This week I talked with the registration nurse at the Hospital. This is to handle all the pre-registration stuff so when I go in on June 10 all we have to do is sign some forms. She also questioned me as to readiness for surgery. She seemed most pleased with my current state. She did tell me to take no more Ibuprophen. It acts as a bloodthinner. Apparently, having thin blood is not good during surgery.
I have nothing else I can take for arthritis pain control, so I am already in some severe pain. I will call the surgeon today to see if there is anything other than Tylenol. It is of absolutely no value.
Today we take delivery of a new recliner. This will be the third one we have tried to provide me with some relief and to elevate my feet. We also tried a hospital bed. Nothing has worked so far. I am confined to my big leather chair and am unable to lean back or elevate my feet. I sincerely hope this will work. My "sitter" is about worn out after being in this chair 24/7 for the last 8 months.
I have also investigated both an excercise pool and a recumbant bike. I will need to do some serious excercise after this surgery. The excercise pool has the following obstacles to overcome: 1) The pool will cost about $25,000. 2) It has to be indoors which means I will have construct a space for another $25,000-$50,000. 3) I have not yet figured out how to get into and out of the pool while I am still immobile.
The recumbant bike simply is not on the market for me. I have done extensive internet research and have been unsuccessful finding the right product. I have to have a "walk-through" or "pass through" model with a swivel seat. Nothing yet.
Since I am trying to be totally honest on this blog, I need to say I am dealing with some mild depression for the first time in my life, other than for a brief time following the death of a child. I realized it last night when I was awake again in the middle of the night, unable to sleep and in some real pain. Before I knew it, my random free thinking had me working out taking an OD of sleeping pills and wondering if I could wait until Friday night since our son is returning from an out of town trip on Saturday.
Fortunately, as soon as I realized I had actually thought this, I "shook" myself back to conciousness. I have dealt with many suicides in 37 years of ministry. It is the most selfish thing a person could do and totally contrary to the Gospel. I would not do that. However, the fact that I thought of it in a semi-conciuous state shook me to be fully awake. This depression is something I must be aware of and guard against before surgery and especially afterward. It is also something I need to be unashamed to admit if and when it raises its head again.
What do I have to look forward to? I fully expect to loose 200-250lbs over the next 12 months. I expect some vastly increased mobility. I expect being able to travel back to our seminary in Venezuela. I expect to be able to go to family gatherings. Most of all, I want to go back to church! I want to sing in an ensemble or a choir. I want to be able to teach and preach again. That has been my life for 37 years and I am not ready to completely leave it behind.
Now my fiirst goal is to be able to go to the bathroom by myself! TMI? Sorry. Welcome to my world.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Vascular Surgeon and Eternity
Yesterday I visited a Vascular Surgeon who will place a stint in my neck while I am on the Operating Table. The intent is to prevent a blood clot moving to my heart or lungs during surgery.
Next week I go to the hospital to have an ultra sound done on my lower legs to provide a baseline for the doctors to examine before and after surgery. All of this is as precaution to limit the possibility of complications during or following surgery. I appreciate their caution and prevention.
I also know there is a "moderate" chance of serious complications including death. I also face the possibility of a debilitating stroke. I face the possibility of getting phlebitis. There are many other lessor risks. However, I am sure I am doing the right thing. I must either get better or face unacceptable consequences.
I should have done this two or three years ago at least. I had two reasons: 1) I did not have time. I was too busy. 2) I was afraid and not desperate enough to face the fear.
Now I feel I have no choice. I either face the fear or or die. I may still die. However, I am not promised tomorrow. I know that. I will choose to trust God. I will choose to face this with the confidence of one who has been saved by grace. I will choose to face this as a child of the King. I will choose to face this as one who has been to the darkest place in life and was brought out by the Eternal Light. I will choose to face this whether I live or whether I die, my life is in the hands of Jesus, the nail-scarred hands. I will live. Probably for a little longer here. If not, then sooner or later, there where there is no more crying, no more suffering, no more pain, where the Tree of Life is in eternal bloom.
Next week I go to the hospital to have an ultra sound done on my lower legs to provide a baseline for the doctors to examine before and after surgery. All of this is as precaution to limit the possibility of complications during or following surgery. I appreciate their caution and prevention.
I also know there is a "moderate" chance of serious complications including death. I also face the possibility of a debilitating stroke. I face the possibility of getting phlebitis. There are many other lessor risks. However, I am sure I am doing the right thing. I must either get better or face unacceptable consequences.
I should have done this two or three years ago at least. I had two reasons: 1) I did not have time. I was too busy. 2) I was afraid and not desperate enough to face the fear.
Now I feel I have no choice. I either face the fear or or die. I may still die. However, I am not promised tomorrow. I know that. I will choose to trust God. I will choose to face this with the confidence of one who has been saved by grace. I will choose to face this as a child of the King. I will choose to face this as one who has been to the darkest place in life and was brought out by the Eternal Light. I will choose to face this whether I live or whether I die, my life is in the hands of Jesus, the nail-scarred hands. I will live. Probably for a little longer here. If not, then sooner or later, there where there is no more crying, no more suffering, no more pain, where the Tree of Life is in eternal bloom.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
A date certain - Maybe
June 10 is the date the surgeon has set for my surgery. While I am not happy to have to wait that long, it is beyond my control. I might as well get happy. I am happy that as far as I know, all hurdles have been overcome.
I will have to pay $1500 to satisfy the insurance company and $2500 to satisfy the doctor. Everything else will be covered, or so they say. So we will have $4000 out of pocket expense up front. I am most thankful we can pay this through the blessing of God. However, that is a prohibitive amount for many people.
I also have to meet with three different doctors to get all the pre-operative work done. We start on those appointments next week. More hoops, but as I understand it, these are not approval hoops, but implementation hoops. That is OK.
The reason the surgery is delayed until June 10 is because it is the first day the surgeon has completely open. He intends for me to be the only surgery that day. I am of moderate risk due to my size, so he wants to be able to give me his full attention. That is a good thing and worth waiting for. While I do not expect any complications, I am very aware of some of the risks inherent in this surgery. However, my quality of like issues make the risk/reward equation one I am most comfortable with.
My wife and son and family will have to reach their own peace with these risks. I hope they are fully informed and cognizant of the possibilities. I will ask the surgeon to be most explicit with my wife at our pre-surgery appointment.
So, on May 6 we will meet with one of the surgeons who will be in the operating room. On May 18 we talk by phone with the bariatric nurse at the hospital. Then on June 8 we meet with the surgeon then with the anesthesiologist. Then about 6 or 7 am on June 10 we will show up for the surgery. Normally the hospital stay is 3 days. That's about all I know.
I will have to pay $1500 to satisfy the insurance company and $2500 to satisfy the doctor. Everything else will be covered, or so they say. So we will have $4000 out of pocket expense up front. I am most thankful we can pay this through the blessing of God. However, that is a prohibitive amount for many people.
I also have to meet with three different doctors to get all the pre-operative work done. We start on those appointments next week. More hoops, but as I understand it, these are not approval hoops, but implementation hoops. That is OK.
The reason the surgery is delayed until June 10 is because it is the first day the surgeon has completely open. He intends for me to be the only surgery that day. I am of moderate risk due to my size, so he wants to be able to give me his full attention. That is a good thing and worth waiting for. While I do not expect any complications, I am very aware of some of the risks inherent in this surgery. However, my quality of like issues make the risk/reward equation one I am most comfortable with.
My wife and son and family will have to reach their own peace with these risks. I hope they are fully informed and cognizant of the possibilities. I will ask the surgeon to be most explicit with my wife at our pre-surgery appointment.
So, on May 6 we will meet with one of the surgeons who will be in the operating room. On May 18 we talk by phone with the bariatric nurse at the hospital. Then on June 8 we meet with the surgeon then with the anesthesiologist. Then about 6 or 7 am on June 10 we will show up for the surgery. Normally the hospital stay is 3 days. That's about all I know.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
14 days only
No, we do not have a date for the surgery. However, we do have an answer for the H-pylori treatment. 14 days. I took the last of the PrevPak of antibiotics this morning. So I am supposed to be H-pylori free. Thank God this was diagnosed and treated before I had any symptoms. This often leads to ulcers and can lead to stomach cancer.
So now we wait. Of course, no one has called me back regarding the date. I will call again later today.
In the meantime, I have developed a good regimen of water intake. I usually get a full gallon in. Some days a pint short. But usually a gallon or more. Still working on it, but it is becoming habitual. Maybe I will have one good habit in my life!
So now we wait. Of course, no one has called me back regarding the date. I will call again later today.
In the meantime, I have developed a good regimen of water intake. I usually get a full gallon in. Some days a pint short. But usually a gallon or more. Still working on it, but it is becoming habitual. Maybe I will have one good habit in my life!
Monday, April 27, 2009
Delays
I talked to the Surgeon's nurse today and she said it would probably June 10 before I can have surgery. There is still a chance for May 13, but doubtful. This is due to the surgeon's schedule. We are praying for an early date, but our times are in His hands.
Also, as stated previously, the treatment for H-pylori bacteria is 14 days of antibiotics. I have taken the 14 days of medicine, but have enough for 14 more. I assumed the doctor either wrote the prescription incorrectly or the pharmacy made a mistake. But JUST IN CASE I asked the nurse to get clarification for me. We spoke at 9:45 am. It is 5:41 and I have heard nothing. So I will keep taking the stuff until I hear differently.
I was also to hear again today from the nurse re surgical date. I will have to call again tomorrow. Ugh!
Also, as stated previously, the treatment for H-pylori bacteria is 14 days of antibiotics. I have taken the 14 days of medicine, but have enough for 14 more. I assumed the doctor either wrote the prescription incorrectly or the pharmacy made a mistake. But JUST IN CASE I asked the nurse to get clarification for me. We spoke at 9:45 am. It is 5:41 and I have heard nothing. So I will keep taking the stuff until I hear differently.
I was also to hear again today from the nurse re surgical date. I will have to call again tomorrow. Ugh!
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Limbo
We wait. We wait for a call from the nurse. We wait for a date for the surgery. We wait for the beginning of a significant change.
Sometimes it seems all we do is wait. I guess I am paying for all those times I prayed for patience. Ok. I get it, Lord. I will wait. I am thankful for all the wonderful blessings in my life. I am really blessed. So, I wait. Oh, did I say I am waiting?
Sometimes it seems all we do is wait. I guess I am paying for all those times I prayed for patience. Ok. I get it, Lord. I will wait. I am thankful for all the wonderful blessings in my life. I am really blessed. So, I wait. Oh, did I say I am waiting?
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Heart OK
I finally heard from the Cardiologist and the echo cardiogram revealed no problems. Now I wait for the surgery date.
A nurse called yesterday from my insurance company. It was a nurse I had not spoken with before. She asked a lost of health status questions. She finally said, "You really are fortunate that nothing more is wrong with you."
I guess it is a matter of perspective. However, other than obesity, knees, arthritis and high blood pressure controlled by medication, I seem to be OK. Usually, health care professionals are surprised that I do not have cardiac problems, high cholesterol, high triglycerides, diabetes, sleep apnea, other serious ailments.
Of course, for most of my life, if I went to the doctor the cause of my problem was obesity. I discovered that is the refuge of lazy or prejudiced doctors. Just as many doctors do not take the ailments of the elderly seriously, so many do not take seriously the ailments of the obese. They name the easy culprit and tell you if you loose weight, that will solve your problem. And for most of them losing weight is simply "pushing back" in one form or other.
I am grateful I have found some doctors who look a little deeper and do not take the easy diagnosis of obesity. These people actually see me as a person and not just a fat person.
About 12 years ago my wife and I spent 3 weeks at the Pritikin Center in Santa Monica. The trip was a gift from a very loving friend. Our first full day at this "fat farm" was consumed with a thorough physical. The next day we had to see the doctor on staff so he could review our physical condition and recommend a diet and exercise program. I went into his office and sat in front a a man about 50 who was about 5'8" and probably weighed 130lbs. He looked at my file for obviously the first time and after a long exasperated sigh said, "Damn!" (I thought then he would tell me I was dying.) He went on to say, "I've been eating this rabbit food for years and your numbers are better than mine (except for weight, of course).
About 6 years ago I went to an annual meeting in a church where I presided. Afterward a retired physician came up to me and with the haughtiness the obese are accustomed to said, "Do you know you have gross morbid obesity?" I must confess my first thought was to blurt out, "No S____! I never looked in a mirror. Do I really?" Of course, I said "Yes, I am aware of that and thank you for telling me."
Such is the common experiences of the obese. Add to this the pointing fingers, the stares, the laughter, the obvious disdain, the judgementalism, the hostility, the prejudice, the rudeness, the blame game and all the rest and you will know something about what it is to be obese. Some of us with healthy egos (some say its too healthy!) can usually shrug it off. But we lie if we do not admit it hurts. And it has hurt me from early childhood.
The most hurtful comment came from an older cousin 50 years ago when he called me, "Turtle Bucket." I still do not know what a turtle bucket is, but I knew he was ridiculing me for being fat. The fact that he was a bully and cruel to everyone made no difference. I only knew at that time he was cruel to me.
There is also the assumption that if you are truly obese, there is some terrible trauma in your early life that caused it. You eat to medicate that pain. This may be true. However, in several counseling sessions, in and out patient programs and genuine self-examination in the greatest honesty I can generate before God, I have never been able to identify a trauma on which to place blame. Sometimes I wish there was something. Then I could escape responsibility. It would be someone else's fault. But I can't find that excuse.
I do not know why I am fat, other that my remarkably slow metabolism. I know I eat too much. This is I eat more than my body burns. But one of the most frustrating things is to know friends for years, some for life, who have always eaten more than me and are not fat.
The other reason for obesity always noted is laziness, or a sedimentary life style. That is not me - at least until I got crippled. I have always been a person of high energy, great work ethic and numerous activities and interests. The popular attitude toward the obese is they do nothing but sit at home, binge on high caloric foods and watch TV. Ain't so. At least for me.
So we live with the judgement and the prejudice from the general public, our doctors and often our own family. That is the experience of all who are significantly obese.
Now, Doc, lets get this turned around for a change! My heart is ready for it - and the pumping muscle is too.
A nurse called yesterday from my insurance company. It was a nurse I had not spoken with before. She asked a lost of health status questions. She finally said, "You really are fortunate that nothing more is wrong with you."
I guess it is a matter of perspective. However, other than obesity, knees, arthritis and high blood pressure controlled by medication, I seem to be OK. Usually, health care professionals are surprised that I do not have cardiac problems, high cholesterol, high triglycerides, diabetes, sleep apnea, other serious ailments.
Of course, for most of my life, if I went to the doctor the cause of my problem was obesity. I discovered that is the refuge of lazy or prejudiced doctors. Just as many doctors do not take the ailments of the elderly seriously, so many do not take seriously the ailments of the obese. They name the easy culprit and tell you if you loose weight, that will solve your problem. And for most of them losing weight is simply "pushing back" in one form or other.
I am grateful I have found some doctors who look a little deeper and do not take the easy diagnosis of obesity. These people actually see me as a person and not just a fat person.
About 12 years ago my wife and I spent 3 weeks at the Pritikin Center in Santa Monica. The trip was a gift from a very loving friend. Our first full day at this "fat farm" was consumed with a thorough physical. The next day we had to see the doctor on staff so he could review our physical condition and recommend a diet and exercise program. I went into his office and sat in front a a man about 50 who was about 5'8" and probably weighed 130lbs. He looked at my file for obviously the first time and after a long exasperated sigh said, "Damn!" (I thought then he would tell me I was dying.) He went on to say, "I've been eating this rabbit food for years and your numbers are better than mine (except for weight, of course).
About 6 years ago I went to an annual meeting in a church where I presided. Afterward a retired physician came up to me and with the haughtiness the obese are accustomed to said, "Do you know you have gross morbid obesity?" I must confess my first thought was to blurt out, "No S____! I never looked in a mirror. Do I really?" Of course, I said "Yes, I am aware of that and thank you for telling me."
Such is the common experiences of the obese. Add to this the pointing fingers, the stares, the laughter, the obvious disdain, the judgementalism, the hostility, the prejudice, the rudeness, the blame game and all the rest and you will know something about what it is to be obese. Some of us with healthy egos (some say its too healthy!) can usually shrug it off. But we lie if we do not admit it hurts. And it has hurt me from early childhood.
The most hurtful comment came from an older cousin 50 years ago when he called me, "Turtle Bucket." I still do not know what a turtle bucket is, but I knew he was ridiculing me for being fat. The fact that he was a bully and cruel to everyone made no difference. I only knew at that time he was cruel to me.
There is also the assumption that if you are truly obese, there is some terrible trauma in your early life that caused it. You eat to medicate that pain. This may be true. However, in several counseling sessions, in and out patient programs and genuine self-examination in the greatest honesty I can generate before God, I have never been able to identify a trauma on which to place blame. Sometimes I wish there was something. Then I could escape responsibility. It would be someone else's fault. But I can't find that excuse.
I do not know why I am fat, other that my remarkably slow metabolism. I know I eat too much. This is I eat more than my body burns. But one of the most frustrating things is to know friends for years, some for life, who have always eaten more than me and are not fat.
The other reason for obesity always noted is laziness, or a sedimentary life style. That is not me - at least until I got crippled. I have always been a person of high energy, great work ethic and numerous activities and interests. The popular attitude toward the obese is they do nothing but sit at home, binge on high caloric foods and watch TV. Ain't so. At least for me.
So we live with the judgement and the prejudice from the general public, our doctors and often our own family. That is the experience of all who are significantly obese.
Now, Doc, lets get this turned around for a change! My heart is ready for it - and the pumping muscle is too.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Progress
Well, after months of jumping through hoops we finally received the formal approval for surgery from the insurance company. I am grateful for the insurance because without it I would not be able to have this surgery. I am also thankful to my denominational judicatory for providing such good insurance. I am not thankful for all the red tape...but that's just my problem.
I spoke to the surgeon's office yesterday and was told we are ready for surgery as soon as I finish the PrevPac antibiotics (about one more week) We are working on a schedule for surgery. It will probably be early in May. May be my 57th birthday present! Only one more hurdle, apparently. The Cardiologist has not given the surgeon the report from the echo cardiogram. I have to call them today to get that report submitted. I assume I am not dying of heart disease since they did this test a week ago and I have heard nothing. We'll see.
Anyway, it looks like this may actually happen. Its been a long journey - over a year since I made the decision to have the surgery. Now to get the insurance company to pay for a therapeutic indoor pool. That will go over big at Conference!
I spoke to the surgeon's office yesterday and was told we are ready for surgery as soon as I finish the PrevPac antibiotics (about one more week) We are working on a schedule for surgery. It will probably be early in May. May be my 57th birthday present! Only one more hurdle, apparently. The Cardiologist has not given the surgeon the report from the echo cardiogram. I have to call them today to get that report submitted. I assume I am not dying of heart disease since they did this test a week ago and I have heard nothing. We'll see.
Anyway, it looks like this may actually happen. Its been a long journey - over a year since I made the decision to have the surgery. Now to get the insurance company to pay for a therapeutic indoor pool. That will go over big at Conference!
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Since this is "Anonymous"
I rarely pass on this kind of thing, but this is just too good:
R. J. Wiedemann LtCol. USMC Ret
"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end"
I'm OK
Yesterday, I began to have some nausea in the morning, but by noon I was having severe stomach pain. I thought it might be the PrevPac causing the pain. So my wife called our internist for help. About two hours later we heard from his office, "Cut back on the medicine." Well, we were already on the way to the emergency room. (May be time to look for a new internist!) Anyway, after about 7 hours we got some help and some good legal narcotics and I am fine. By the way, can you see those elephants walking on the ceiling?
Monday, April 20, 2009
Thank God for Friends and Family
I (we) make it through the two days of teaching this weekend. Lots of Ibuprofen. My wife was indispensable. I could not have done it without her. She had to sit in the lobby or car and read while I taught. What a wonderful wife I have!
I also have wonderful friends. On Friday night one of my dear friends called me after reading the previous post. He offered to come to my house on Saturday morning (he lives an hour away) and drive me to the Center, stay with me all day, drive me home, drive to his home and repeat the entire process the next day. He offered to do this so my wife would not have to.
Wow! I am a fortunate man. I would not be able to do this alone.
After a life of "self-sufficiency" I find myself almost totally dependent on others. This is a new reality. I hope after surgery I will regain some independence. In the meantime, I continue to take the antibiotics in the PrePak and hope that knocks out the bacteria so I can move ahead with the surgery. It has been a year since I made this decision. Maybe soon...
I also have wonderful friends. On Friday night one of my dear friends called me after reading the previous post. He offered to come to my house on Saturday morning (he lives an hour away) and drive me to the Center, stay with me all day, drive me home, drive to his home and repeat the entire process the next day. He offered to do this so my wife would not have to.
Wow! I am a fortunate man. I would not be able to do this alone.
After a life of "self-sufficiency" I find myself almost totally dependent on others. This is a new reality. I hope after surgery I will regain some independence. In the meantime, I continue to take the antibiotics in the PrePak and hope that knocks out the bacteria so I can move ahead with the surgery. It has been a year since I made this decision. Maybe soon...
Friday, April 17, 2009
Pain in the ...
I've been working on fund-raising for my favorite mission cause today. Met with old friends and mission supporters for lunch at our house. Only now got time for reflection at 3:09pm.
I have to teach at our conference center tomorrow and Sunday. All day. I cannot drive so my wife will have to go with me and stay with me. I ache so much with joint pain that sitting anywhere is getting to be tough. However, to sit in my electric scooter for 8 hours is no longer possible. My wheelchair is a little better. But that means my wife has to push me everywhere - no easy task. So I am filled with dread because of the pain I will be in on Sat and Sun, but also because of the pain my wife will experience because of me. So, I will just dread the days for me and her.
I am taking the Prevpac of antibiotics designed to kill the bacteria. Hope it works. It must for me to be able to have the surgery.
They took my hospital bed yesterday since I cannot lay down on it for more than an hour. My knees hurt so badly that sleeping in a bed is no longer possible. I sit in my chair most days, 24/7.
I really want to get this surgery done and move toward wellness and mobility. In the meantime, I just hurt.
Enough whining. But I still hurt...
I have to teach at our conference center tomorrow and Sunday. All day. I cannot drive so my wife will have to go with me and stay with me. I ache so much with joint pain that sitting anywhere is getting to be tough. However, to sit in my electric scooter for 8 hours is no longer possible. My wheelchair is a little better. But that means my wife has to push me everywhere - no easy task. So I am filled with dread because of the pain I will be in on Sat and Sun, but also because of the pain my wife will experience because of me. So, I will just dread the days for me and her.
I am taking the Prevpac of antibiotics designed to kill the bacteria. Hope it works. It must for me to be able to have the surgery.
They took my hospital bed yesterday since I cannot lay down on it for more than an hour. My knees hurt so badly that sleeping in a bed is no longer possible. I sit in my chair most days, 24/7.
I really want to get this surgery done and move toward wellness and mobility. In the meantime, I just hurt.
Enough whining. But I still hurt...
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